Allison's Wonderland

I normally try and shy away from drama.  While growing up my girlfriends and I were never really on the dramatic side.  I was always involved in theater, so I had drama in that aspect, but as to life, I relatively tried to stay drama free.  With that being the case, sometimes drama just finds you and you have to push through it no matter how awkward and dramatic it might be.  That's how my exit from England played out.

Cliffs of Cornwall

I was on my way back from a lovely vacation in Cornwall. I had spent several days there and was just on a nice peaceful vacation high.  You know the kind I'm talking about. As I got closer and closer to Gerrard's Cross I started to feel more and more uneasy about going back to the house where I worked and lived.    The family was getting back that morning and I was suppose to be ready to work early the next day which was Monday.  My uneasiness started to get worse, and that's when I got a text message.  It was 9:00 at night on Sunday and I had been traveling for about 4 1/2 hours.  Cornwall was about a 5 hour drive from Gerrard's Cross if not more, so I only had a little ways left to go.  The text message I received was from my host day telling me that they had been talking and said if I wanted to go ahead and extend my vacation I was more than welcome to, they just needed me that Friday night (which was the night before I left) to babysit their girls.  My first reaction was, "well they don't want me at the house.  They just don't want to pay me for the week."  Which was probably true since the day after I was suppose to babysit the girls I was leaving the country to go home  So what exactly would I need 70 extra pounds for?  Now I may have been wrong, but that's what I assumed.  I also did NOT want to spend my last night in England babysitting.  My host Mom even told me that they wouldn't be able to take me to the airport the next day so I would have to take a taxi, which I more than likely would have had to pay for.  Whenever they had gigs they normally got home at around 2 in the morning and were always a little tipsy from the evening's happenings.  Meaning they were not going to wake up at 6:30 in the morning to get me to the airport.  After my vacation in Cornwall I was drained of money so extending my vacation wasn't an option.  I didn't even have the money to pay for a taxi to get me to the airport.  I felt sick about the whole thing.  I felt so uncomfortable in the house after many events that had happened during the summer and I did not want to spend my last week living in it.  That's when I called up my friend Tayla.

Tayla's host family was gone for two weeks, so I called her up and asked if I could stay for a night.  She agreed and that's where I slept.  After discussing with Tayla and Margot the next morning about what I should do, I was determined to go to the house, pack up my bags, and come back to Tayla's.  She said I was more than welcome to stay.  I gave myself a deadline of when I was going to go to the house.  Tayla's house was only about 20 houses up the road from where my host family lived so I would be able to lug all my luggage back up the hill to her place pretty easily. My deadline was 1:00 pm.  I rehearsed what I was going to say over and over in my mind.  I'm the kind of person that if I don't rehearse it all just turns into a splotchaty old mess.  I had made up a lie in my head which went something along the lines of my Dad wasn't able to pick me up from the airport on Saturday due to being out of town, so he was going to pay the extra money to change my ticket so he could pick me up on Tuesday morning.  It was a lie, and I knew it was wrong, but I didn't want to hurt anybody's feelings in the process of leaving.  Little did I know I would do just that.

I marched myself down the road and got that panicky stomach in throat feeling on the walk down.  I hate that feeling although I don't know anybody who actually likes it.  As I stepped up to the front door my heart started beating faster and faster in my chest.  I sat there for a moment, took a deep breath in and opened the door.  The first person I came across was my host Mom.  I smiled and acted all fake and terrible like I would normally do just to keep the peace in the house.  The first thing she asked was,

"Did you get Phil's (my host dad) text message?"

 I replied with, "Yes I did, but I wasn't able to respond back because I was out of credit.  Sorry about that." 

She smiled sweetly and then said, "You could've extended your vacation.  We just really needed you for Friday night."

"Actually I need to talk to you about that.  I think I'm going to grab my stuff, and stay with a friend tonight because I switched my flight to Tuesday morning."

"You what?"

I couldn't lie.  I just couldn't.  I'm such a bad liar.  "I switched my flight to Tuesday because I just feel like I really need to go home."

While talking this over my host Mom and I were standing on the stairs.  After I said I was leaving early I hear my host Dad say, "Hi Allison," all awkwardly from the office.  He asked me what was going on.  I then repeated everything I had just said to my host Mom Mindy.  I told them I was leaving early without letting the cat out of the bag that I absolutely did not like living there.  It wasn't until my host Dad asked me why I was leaving early that the diarrhea of the mouth happened.  I wanted to keep everything nice and simple without anyone having hurt or hard feelings, but it just seemed like that wasn't going to happen.  So I just started to spill . . .

"Phil, to be honest I don't like it here.  I never have.  I feel very uncomfortable in the house and I feel like you guys don't like me at all."

"What makes you think that?" Mindy interjected.

"Well the fact that you told me I was the worst Au Pair you've had . . ."

"Oh, you're not the worst au pair."

"and the fact that the one night I came home early from London you were talking about me.  After you guys came back from Egypt you seemed very angry with me about how I cleaned and I just get the impression that I'm not what you wanted in an au pair."

"Well we had to tell you we weren't satisfied with your cleaning after Egypt.  We left you for 10 days and it looked like you didn't do anything." ~Phil

(That was the week they left me for 10 days with a list of 2 pages of chores starting with cleaning out the oven and fridge to wiping down all the floorboards and washing windows inside and out.  I worked for about 4 1/2 hours every day.  Read my previous blog entitled "Boiling Point" to get a better idea. :))

"I understand you were not satisfied, but that's exactly what I'm saying.  I think it would just be better if I left early.  Since you needed me Friday and it's only Monday I wanted to give you a little bit of notice so you could find someone else to babysit for you Friday night."

"Well you better get started Mindy.  You need to make phone calls so we can get it covered.  When did you start feeling this way Allison?"

"I've felt this way for awhile now.  I'm just the kind of person that likes to keep the peace and not really complain so that's what I did.  I did what you asked me to do but I was very uncomfortable and very unhappy."

Just a running for the door

Meanwhile, while were having this extremely awkward conversation where I wanted to crawl in a hole and die, the 10 year old runs up the stairs and gives me a huge hug and says, "ALLISON we missed you!"  Dagger in the heart.  I had a hard time getting to be friends with the girls in the beginning but towards the end of my stay I really felt like we were getting along and that they started to respect me.  So it did make me sad.  Her Mom piped up and told her that I would be leaving and not staying anymore.  That's when the 10 year old asked me if I didn't like them and why I was leaving, making it even more difficult.  Mindy even said how they were all looking forward to having me home.  Which I find not really true since I would only be there that Friday night babysitting for them which wouldn't give me that much time.  It was a completely awkward situation. 

I said, "Well I guess I'll go pack up my stuff now."

Silence.  You could hear the crickets chirping.  My host Mom than said with that crazy look in her eye she would get, "You must have been talking about this with other people getting yourself all riled up.  This didn't just happen.  You've been talking.  I can tell"

I just looked at her and said,"  No I really haven't been.  I've just been unhappy for awhile now."

"How come you didn't say anything?  Maybe if we would've talked about it things would've been different." said my host Dad.

What would I have said that we could have talked about to make things different, I thought to myself?  "Oh hello I hate living in this house because I feel like a slave.  You're children don't respect me, you come home drunk and talk bad about me."  I mean seriously how would that have helped?  They thought I was so happy being there, and I guess I could see how I gave them that impression.  When I was in the house I was always smiling and had a good attitude, but that just means I'm a good actress. :) 

Packing up my room

I went into my room and started throwing things in my suitcase as fast as I could.  I just wanted to get the heck out of there.  It took me about 30 minutes to pack everything up.  While I was doing that my host Mom started to make small talk.  I just wanted to leave and did NOT want to talk anymore.  The 10 year old came in and started talking to me as well which I didn't mind as much.  After I hauled all two of my huge suitcases down the stairs my host Dad offered to drive me somewhere.  He then asked me what they could do better for the next Au Pair.  I was just honest and told him that I felt like a hired on cheap maid that just babysat on the side.  I said if you want a maid you should advertise for a maid and not an Au Pair. He said they would take that into consideration.  I didn't even get to say goodbye to my host Mom because she went to take the dogs for a walk.  Probably best though because I could see how angry she was at me while I was packing up my stuff.  Scary! 

I awkwardly lugged my huge suitcases out the stone driveway while Phil and the two girls waved goodbye.  It had to of been the most awkward thing I think I've ever done in my life.  Did I make the right choice?  I don't know.  I often thing about them and if I did do the right thing.  I don't regret it and I'm glad they finally know how I felt the whole time I was in the house, but I do wish things could have ended on a better note.  The next day I got a message from my host Dad saying how confused they were about the whole thing, but I didn't know exactly what was so confusing.  I mean I was flat out told that I was the worst Au Pair they ever had, so why would it be so confusing?  I wouldn't change anything.  If I had to do it all over again I would because the people I have met in my experience in England and the places I've seen were priceless.  I just wish my exit wouldn't have been so dramatic.

Thanks to everyone who helped!  Tayla, Margot, Anna, and especially David - Taking me to the airport and helping out a little lost soul! :)