Allison's Wonderland

My friend Lindsay's Dad is a big time river guide. Howard Kirkland. Ever heard of him? Probably not, but it seems like everybody at Gauley Fest knew who he was. He's kinda pretty much awesome. He's 69 years old and goes down white water rivers like its his job. Lindsay invited us along to go to WV to raft the Lower Gauley and we were stoked. Like seriously.

After work Shaun and I (my trip buddy) get to Rainelle, WV. Who ever heard of Rainell, WV? It's one of the most terrible towns in the world. We see the Golden Arches when we've been looking for a Chik-fil-A the whole car ride. It seems that West Virginia doesn't have Chik-fil-A's. So we stop at McDonald's. The first personto greet us is this young blond chic who says to Shaun, "What does it say on your shirt? I can't read it." He's wearing the Liberty University "Champion" shirt that has the pronunciation on the bottom. And he's just like "oh, it just says Champion." And she says, "Oh. Weird." You have to of heard how this girl was talking because there was no emotion at all in her face and her lips hardly ever moved. Then i get up to order. I start talking and she just says staringly, "I like your voice." Not gonna lie I was a tad bit creeped out. Who says that? And weirdly too. I just said thank you and tried to move on. Then she says, "Do ya'll have like accents or something?" We didn't answer. I just finished ordering. After the weird run in with Mrs. Personality the cashier we sit down and start eating our food. This little chubby white lady comes up to us and asks us how we're doing while she wipes down the table. I reply with the standard,

"Good, how are you tonight? Are you about to get off or do you have a long night ahead?"
"Oh, I don't get off work till 10:30 tonight. And I'm just not doing good. Not doing good at all. Tried to kill myself last week. Took too many pills. I was in a coma for two days."

Okay! Hold the phone. A simple how are you turned into life story 101 about suicide. Yikes. I kicked Shaun under the table as hard as I could, well maybe not as hard as I could, but I wanted to get his attention. It was bizarre. I hold back a laugh and I can't look at him, because if I do...it's over. So I ask her why she tried to kill herself. I was curious. She replies, "My husband. He kicked me out. Burnt all my clothes. All my underwear. Everything." She starts talking about some other mistress and how her and her mother-in-law are going to take revenge. I start telling her that revenge is God's and not hers. She's just kinda lil nuts I've determined at this point. I ask her if she has any kids...her reply "Nope. Don't have no kids. That's a whole other story. My first husband tried to kill me in a car accident. Had a hysterectomy. Almost bled to death. No kids after that." She then tells me she doesn't have any friends and no one to talk too. How her mother worries and she can't use the phone cause her husband took that.



I ask if she can use McDonald's phone and she says she can't because where her mother lives in Pocahontas Count, WV is long distance. It was all just so incredibly weird. I didn't know how to react! Meanwhile, as I'm talking to this lady Shaun is over in the corner just watching everything unfold eating his Double Cheeseburger, while I'm left floundering! Nice friend. I finally get a word in to say we have to leave, and she goes on over to the other part of Mickey D's and starts wiping more tables. The whole time we were talking she must've wiped the same table at least 15 times. We get in the car and Shaun tells me he thinks everything she said was a lie. I just don't know. Maybe it was God...maybe this woman really was crazy. But Shaun's impression of her is absolutely perfect. Theresa her name was. All the locals in the restaurant were looking at us snickering to themselves and shaking their heads. Which makes me think that she was just a little crazy if not a lot. After our weird WV run in at McDonald's we make our way to Ray's Campsite where Lindsay and her Dad are no where to be found. Shaun and I are sitting in the dark thinking of what to do next. So we start putting the tent up by the light of my car headlights. Just for the record West Virginia has NO cell service. It's kind of awful to say the least. So Shaun finally gets ahold of Lindsay and fortunately we get to stay in a nice cabin and not in the tent that hasn't even been set up! I actually slept pretty good on the little bunk bed. Shaun, Lindsay, and I stayed up talking for awhile and then passed out!

Howard came in the cabin at 7:00 in the morning and made us get up. Oh terrible. Saturdays are for sleeping in and nothing more! We get all our stuff together and head out for the river with a pit stop at Shoney's for their amazing breakfast buffet. I kinda love it. It must be because its ingrained from my childhood. Met up with some people who are doing the Upper Gauley to give them their boat. The Upper is pretty much for the crazy people. The rapids up there are killer. Can I just comment on how many attractive men their were up there? Ooo...la..la...doggy. Some real lookers! Anyway, after dropping their boat off we go to our put in which is called Mudberry or something like that. Shaun was really nervous and it was kind of funny. We had to get in wet suits. Wet suits are the devil. They show every little chub curve and are murder to get on. But we made it. We had a quick lesson from Howard on safety and all that jazz, and then we hit the river. My favorite rapid was Mash. It's two huge class four rapids that are pretty much mashed together. We did really well though and Howard was proud. :) We got stuck on a rock in this little baby rapid and I got scared! I thought we were going to stay on it forever, but we weaseled our way off thanks to Howard's expertise.

We stopped for lunch on a this rock where our neighbor's were just sitting there smoking a dubie like it was no big thing. Paddlers. Whatever! Ha..My favorite part of the whole trip was the huge waves we got to ride. It was like a roller coaster. So fun! We did about 14 miles and were on the river for about 5 hours. Afterwards we were starving, tired, and wet. Met up with the rest of the paddlers who did the Upper. glad I didn't go with them because they flipped their raft twice. Yuck! The river wasn't too cold, but just the thought of going into that crazy water is little
scary. After a nice hot shower at Ray's Campground we went to "Pies and Pints" in Fayetteville. It was pretty good, but think I might prefer Rivermont Pizza over them. Afterwards we headed down to Gauley Festival which was in Summersville. Check out the vendors and danced to the live band. They were pretty good, but the lead female singer kept doing this weird like yodeling thing which wasn't cool. We danced like idiots and there was this guy running around in a purple suit with permanent marker written all over him. He was obviously drunk. But hilarious. We didn't get to bed till after 1:00 in the morning. Yuck.




The next day Shaun and I had to get back home. He had chores to do at his Dad's house which sucked because I wanted to stay and raft some more. We went to the New River Gorge bridge and got pins. We always have to get pins wherever we go. :) Its just what we do. On our way home I saw a sign for gas saying that it was only a dollar a gallon. So I had to take a picture. Can you imagine if it was still a dollar? I'd be able to fill up for 11 bucks! Ugh...where did the good ole days go? Anyway, we finished the weekend off with a burger and fries at The Cavalier. Perfect ending to a perfectly wonderful weekend.