Allison's Wonderland

My Perfect Mother

You know how back in elementary school people would argue over whose Mom was best, or whose Dad could do this or that? Well, I have to say that I had the best mother in the world and if you try to argue with me, I’ll fight you tooth and nail. My mother was the closest person to perfect I have known or probably will ever know. If she were alive I probably would say the same thing as well, but having someone so close to you die prematurely somehow makes you dwell on the positive things rather than the negative. I like that fact, since throughout the course of an individual’s life, one tends to dwell on the negative rather than the positive.


I’m writing this post today, because 4 years ago at around 8:30 in the morning, my Mother passed from this life to the next. She battled with breast cancer for about 18 months and in the end, the cancer won. It is a battle I often regret, feel angry about, and want to completely do over, but the past is the past and nothing can change that small important detail.

Unfortunately, being in Italy has not helped me move on in regards to healing over my Mom’s death. Some people might say that after 4 years I should get over it. I can honestly say to those certain people, "go lose your mother and then tell me how you’re feeling four years later." That’s all I have to say about that. Italian culture is entirely centered on the Grandmother and the Mother. Without those two important elements of its culture, the whole structure would more than likely collapse. I believe it stems from the deep roots of Catholicism and the importance placed on Mary, the Mother of Jesus. Maybe not, but that’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it.Yesterday I was in the kitchen and MiMi, Mattia’s Great Aunt, came by and tried to converse with me. She knows no English but I got the gist of what she was saying. I had my computer out and she asked me if I was talking to my Mom and how she was. I tried to tell her in my broken Italian that she was in heaven and died of breast cancer. The look on her face said it all. She kept saying “Brutte, Brutte”. Which in English translates to "Bad, Bad". She asked me if I had brothers and sisters, and after I answered yes, she just shook her head like I had gone through the worst thing in the world. Well probably in my 24 years of living it has been the worst thing in the world for me. So she was kinda right on, in that aspect.


One question I have struggled with over these past 4 years is this, “What good came of my Mom’s passing?” I still haven’t quite figured that one out yet. My brother and sister-in-law announced Christmas 2010 that they were going to have a baby. It was so happy and wonderful but at the same time we all cried when we heard the news because Mom wouldn’t be there to see her first Grand baby. If there was one thing my mother loved, it was babies. She worked in the church nursery for years and whenever a baby would enter the room, my mother would light up and flock to it. I think they loved her just as much as she loved them too. When Raeleigh was born September 2, 2011 we all cried again. It was so happy to see this new little baby life, but at the same time it was so sad because Mom wasn’t there to witness it. Mom would’ve been such a wonderful Grammy. I love my Grandma’s so much. They have made such an impact on my life and I grieve for Raeleigh not being able to meet her Grammy Ruth. I’m going to make sure to tell her stories, so even if she never will meet her Grandma, she’ll still feel like she knows her inside and out.




Even though it has been four years, sometimes the ache in my heart feels like it was just yesterday she passed away. She was a beautiful, amazing woman, who has left a mommy shaped hole in my heart. I may be 24 years old, but even a 24 year old woman needs her Mom. I don’t even wanna see the day I start having babies, if that day ever comes. I know I’ll be a wreck not having my Mom around. I think I just miss her. A Lot. One day I know I'll see her again, and that in itself is enough to keep me comforted.